Thursday, January 31, 2013

Did a load of laundry last night, the first load in I'm not sure how many weeks. I'm not sure how many days I've been wearing the same clothing. Unfortunately, realized this morning that the load I did hadn't contained any of the items I wear to work. Just not thinking clearly these days.

Worried about the dog.

D is now gone on another of her extended vacations. Won't be back in the office until Feb. 19th. At least there will be a break from her moods and her disturbing laugh for the next 12 days.

The below zero wind chill is making it hard for me to walk the dog. I have a mouth and nose mask from REI, and it's the best I've found yet. But my glasses still fog up whenever I bend my head.

As far as I have been able to ascertain, once the floor is reorganized I will no longer have the sliver of window I've had for the last year in cubeland. If I read the floor plan correctly I will be along a wall in an alcove-ish sort of area as far from any of the windows as can be. I went and stood in that area. It is very dark in and around. I tried to ask for clarification on seating arrangements last week and access to natural light and got blasted by D in one of her rages. Foolish. Just because I'm one of her two direct reports, it was silly of me to think that she would be an advocate for me or even be interested in my hope for access to natural light. She has her office and her window, and what does she care about anyone else. Certainly not me, anyway. Back when I had my life, when I was still someone, I always tried to be an advocate for my direct reports. I saw that as part of my role. If they needed something, if it was within my power, I tried to get it for them. Funny to be working now in such a small company, with such touchy-feely work, with a boss who has only 2 direct reports, and yet feel so hung out and blowing in the wind.

I'm not sure what's wrong with my eyes. They're supposed to be hazel. But they've been sort of light gray for a week now. I don't know what's wrong with them. I'm not seeing any different than I was a week ago; just the color seems gone, sort of.

I've been thinking of not renewing the phone contract. I don't really need a phone. I don't call anyone anymore. There's no one to call. I always like to have it with me in case I'm in an accident and need to call someone to go to my house and let the dog out. But that's kind of silly because there's no one to call who would do that for me. So why keep paying for the iPhone every month. I'm thinking of canceling the internet connection, too.


Barbara O'Brien said...

Things are pretty awful for you. I am sorry to hear that.

Sayre said...

I can understand about the phone - I have one and wish I didn't have to but having a kid kind of requires it. My phone was out for over two weeks at one point and it was absolute heaven, I admit.

I'd keep the internet connection though - it enables you to work from home when you need to. Plus, I'd miss you so much if you were not out here. I like knowing you're alive and with us... your quiet times kind of freak me out to be perfectly honest.

laurie said...

why are you worried about the dog? you've said this twice now. and now we are all worried too but don't know quite why.

Jo said...

Thought of you last night when I made dinner, baked chicken and rice. I used a cream of something soup AND onion soup mix. :)

Nearly 3 years ago we had the walls in the living room painted. I hung the mirror back up on the north wall. It fell, broke and was replaced with a framed black poster of a grand piano that I've had since college. The other walls are all still blank. Don't know when that'll change.

Your birthday is March 21st unless I've written the wrong day on my calendar.

Jane M. said...

Sorry to hear things are so difficult. This is a terrible time of year for feeling any kind of optimism. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Take care.

Heather said...

I have discovered that ski goggles will keep glasses from fogging in terribly cold weather, even with your face covered.

Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.