Monday, July 18, 2016

I feel abandoned by everyone I know or used to know. It's my fault. You reap what you sow in life.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Yesterday, I put Buddha in the car and drove. After a while I stopped and realized I had not brought water or my purse. It was hot. Buddha was really thirsty. There was a park on my right and So I stopped at it. There was no water source at this park, except a river or lake or something that was dammed and surrounded by a walkway and fencing. B kept looking at the river or whatever it was. He was so thirsty. I looked at Facebook and it said I was checking in in a park in Amery, Wisconsin. I was surprised to find that I was in Wisconsin. I don't remember driving there. I put B back in the car. I was going to stop at a library or some place with a drinking fountain and fill up his jug. We were both so thirsty. Then it was later and I was driving and I drove right past a sign that said off-leash dog park. I thought they might have water for the dogs. They did. B drank a whole bowl. A guy said I shouldn't let my dog drink so much water if I hadn't brought any to share. I said I was sorry I usually do. He said fuck your I'm sorry bitch and Buddha growled at him and the man backed away and said B was vicious and he was going to call the police. I took B and left. I was so thirsty. I was thinking that there must be a library with a drinking fountain in Amery so I looked at my phone and it said I was checking in in Rice Lake, WI. I don't know how I could have been in Amery and then in Rice Lake so suddenly. I was thinking that I had my phone and I should call someone for help because this was very strange behavior but I didn't call anyone because there's no one to call. I was looking for a library in Rice Lake that would have a drinking fountain when I passed a Culver's and remembered that they would have a bathroom and I could drink out of the faucet. So I stopped there and I did that and then I felt better and I went out and got B's jug and filled it up and I drank part of that, too. And then I was really hungry but I didn't have any money so I drove home. I thought if I really was in Wisconsin I should just keep driving west and I would end up in St. Paul and I did although I got turned around and ended up in Almena twice. The trip counter said 283 miles. I don't know why I drove 283 miles. B and I had some yogurt when we got home. 

Friday, July 15, 2016

Showered today. Feels so hard just to go on. Clean is something.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Realized I haven't showered or washed my hair since the weekend. Not sure what's going on. Know what day it is and who the president is, so not all the way gone. Have to make it through Friday at work and then there'll be two days to maybe get sorted. Must get sorted.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

I am struggling with thoughts of hopelessness. The sense of isolation is huge. Then, on the rare times when I am with people, I feel like I'm watching a movie instead of being in the moment. Besides, I know it will end with me driving back to my empty house. Meanwhile, my neighbor on the right, with all her problems and weirdness, has family over every weekend, goes out to poker, etc. And my neighbor to the left goes fishing with his brothers all weekend. Family. That was the key. The key I don't have and am never going to have. I am adrift in the world.

I've come to the conclusion that White Bear Unitarian Universalist Church's lack of opportunities for middle-aged single women is not the problem. The problem is me. I don't fit in. I'm not appealing. I am ugly. I have no place there. I have nothing to offer. I can't sing in the choir, that bastion of middle-aged church ladies everywhere, because I have no voice anymore due to asthma. I've been through too much and worked in nonprofits too long to be able to buy my yellow Standing on the Side of Love t-shirt and think that participating in Black Lives Matter protests will make a bit of difference. Besides, the t-shirts don't come in my size. 

This is all going to end one way. 

I look at job ads for Communication Manager positions. Was that me once? There was a time when I knew I could do those duties. Now after all these years at Stratis Health, I no longer know what I can do anymore. And who would want to hire me. Fat, in my Walmart clothes.

Even the cheapest handgun at Fleet Farm is $500. A Glock was on sale for $595. I'm not sure if they make you get the license first or you get the license there. I know there's a class you're required to take. I have been hesitating to buy one because I don't know a thing about handguns. But I really should plan ahead. I don't know of anything that a background check would reveal that would be an impediment. But what if that changed? I don't want to be left not being able to buy a handgun.

I'm not taking care of the dog well. He is only getting his walks some days, not every day as he should. It is inexcusable to not exercise him.

I have been trying to play my flute again. Squeaks. I know it takes time. It just seems that I have so little to show for 51 years.

I have lost my kind. I have lost my way. 


Wednesday, June 29, 2016

How did spaghetti come to be a side dish

$9.69 at the Four Seasons. 44 years in Mahtomedi, MN. See the vintage Tilt-a-Whirl car behind the sign? It's in their patio area.


Thursday, June 16, 2016

I've given myself permission to not read Ulysses again

I think I've done my time with James Joyce. Even if it is Bloomsday today, the honoring of the day on which the activity in Ulysses happens, I'm not rereading Ulysses today, this year, or next. I'm tired of rereading Ulysses. I don't want to reread Ulysses...again. I've DONE Ulysses. So there.

While I'm at it, I've also decided to stop rereading anything by Tolstoy. I have never enjoyed reading anything by Tolstoy and I keep trying to reread Anna Karenina or War and Peace, etc., thinking that somehow I missed the goodness the first time around and will find it on the second time around, or the third time around, and I haven't. Now I have decided that there are other novels that I could be reading instead of Tolstoy and I will read them instead and be happier.

So what? you say. Well, these are big decisions for an old English major.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Saturday was good

Laura came to visit yesterday. She drove down from Utah to see family. She brought lovely flowers for me and I could tell that Buddha remembered her. It was good to see her.

I was really pleased to see her live. Sometimes I think that I exist in a dimension half in between this one and only get to interact with this dimension to pay at cash registers and then slip away again. So it was good to sit across from someone live at Dorothy Ann's Bakery and remember that I AM part of this dimension. 

Mr. Asthma has acted up both Friday night and Saturday night. Much nebulizing. With the high humidity and the heat wave came air pollution warnings, and Mr. Asthma responds well to cues. I sometimes think I need to move to some other climate. Spring and tree budding season is hard now. Winter cold air was Mr. Asthma's initial trigger. Summer grass cutting or humidity is hard now. There's a brief window in the fall, before an allergy season starts, when I can breathe. It's like Minnesota is saying, Go away. But I love the trees and I would miss the trees, even though they don't really seem to be good for me anymore.